I've always struggled to sleep train our kids, though, I feel like I sort of figured out what works in a decent amount of time with the first two kids. Both of them seemed to get their major issues settled by about 14 months and were in their own beds, sleeping through the night and not really getting up or making too much fuss at bedtime or during the night. Back then, I felt like I wasn't a very good mom that it took me so long to get it sorted out when many moms I talked to had their babies sleeping all night by six weeks! But now my perspective has changed and I think I was doing pretty well! Josie has really given me a run for my money and just when I think this sort of thing should be old hat, she has me scrambling for sanity!
We've had various issues with Josie that have made it hard to follow the "rules." She's been smaller in stature all along and, in the first year, I felt I should feed her whenever she was interested. Early on, she just slept for longer periods if she was near me and I couldn't bear to be sleep deprived when trying to keep up with all three kids during the day. So we were in survival mode for awhile. It worked just fine.
But then I hit the threshold after about 16 months where I was ready to have our own room back and felt it was time for her to fly the coop. At that point, she was in her crib for all her naps and a good portion of the night so we moved her crib into Ella's room and started the transition. But she didn't like those plans. She cried and carried on and it wasn't the kind of "crying it out" we were able to do with the other two at this point in their lives. Her crying was sustained, desperate and unrelenting and was very stressful on Ella which felt unfair. So for awhile, everyone got shuffled around in the short term so that Josie could work out her self-soothing and sleep issues. But then that got EVERYONE out of routine and added more chaos than resolution.
During that time, she began climbing out of the crib in desperation. Like I said, her version of "crying it out" really didn't work. So we gave up on that and went back to rocking her to sleep which often took long periods of time. Then we hit that time period with the arthritis where her whole demeanor was off and she was a much crankier version of herself. She also slept horribly in general and was up several times a night again.
After her second birthday, we took the crib down and transitioned her to the bed. That was ok, though a big commitment as we never felt we had achieved sleep training with her like we did the other two by this time...certainly before we ever moved them to a bed. She doesn't seem to realize there are rules about staying put at bedtime. She still needs quite a bit of soothing to fall asleep although rocking has gotten pretty tiring. We're back into a stage where she takes about an hour to settle down at night.
It's a strange thing to behold now, watching her try to fall asleep. I will rock her for a few minutes to give her the message it's time to quiet down and then I lay her down on her pillow. She hates being covered up but she likes to snuggle so I put her blanket beside her. Sometimes I'll lay on the floor next to the bed just to give her the comfort of knowing I'm there but that I'm not going to hold her. I really want her to learn to soothe herself. But it's so tiring to watch her for the next hour. She flips, then she flops. She turns horizontally, then sits up. She grabs her blanket and tries to thoroughly cover herself. Once covered, she kicks frantically to get uncovered. Then she snuggles the blanket. Then she pulls at her pant legs. She finds a different pillow and moves it in order to lay on it. Then she flips and flops again and it starts all over. She kicks her legs and I wonder if she is actually trying to keep herself awake or if she is just restless and doesn't know how to settle down! It's maddening for me, I don't know how it isn't for her!
Sometimes I get so frustrated, I have to leave the room. I think, "I'm just going to have to be firm and keep directing her back to bed." But I've tried that several times and she will literally get out of bed 50 times one after the other. I'm at my wits end!
But.....there is good news. Once she finally falls asleep, she sleeps all night now. Sometimes till 7:30. That is a very big victory.
Are there any other moms out there with these issues??
3 comments:
Rachel,
I just love reading your blog! I know you were around for all my sleep troubles with E but I'm not sure if I ever shared how we got our help.
I ended up seeing a sleep doctor at his school because it was really taking a toll on me and it was really apparent that E's trouble with self-soothing was crossing over into other areas in his little life.
They shared how it is important to implement a plan that is transitional to where your child is at; meaning if you rock your child do not shock their system by making them cry it out... that can confuse the child and be very unhelpful.
I have to say, you really are doing a great job with her as far was slowly giving her boundaries around bedtime. It takes awhile with some set back at times (sickness) but it will work. What about a small alter like this...
So she encouraged us to say goodnight in time frames. So you putting her into bed, soothing her a bit is great. Then leave the room and let her know you'll be back in 2 (x) minutes to check on her. Then do just that. Come back in, give her a snuggle and give her praise. Then tell her you'll be back in 5 minutes. Continue to do this and when it gets to 20 minutes she will be asleep. It really works. Yes, it's work (time consuming) but after a week it did wonders for E.
We built trust and praise together. He would get so proud when he managed to lay there for minutes alone. He understood the rules and when he obeyed them he built a confidence for the next stretch.
You can develop this as you need to with choosing times. I know for me I had to do a really quick return the first time so that the trust was built immediately. Even try a minute but know that you just might have to do this for 20 or more depending. I think what's most important is she feels safe and learns to quiet herself for longer durations of times.
Let me know if you find this helpful and if you choose to give it a try. I really think this is so close to what you're doing now. Instead of laying there you're just coming and going. It might help your sanity not watching her flip and flop... she's just finding her way... she will :)
(Also: you might also give Bryan a night as well, so that she doesn't just get used to this routine with you but builds that trust with him.)
Love you my sister!! You're a great Mommy and I'll be praying for more peace at bedtime. xo
Jodi, thanks for this comment. It's so funny because I was actually thinking about you and Elliott last night as I watched her tossing and turning and wondered if I needed to talk to a specialist. Her issues are just so different than what I've seen with my other two kids.
I am sort of doing what you mentioned already but I might try the interval checking like you suggested. I really believe she could do this without me as she doesn't cry but just gets up and peeks out her door like a little imp!
Thanks for your encouragement! I love you!! xx
I love what Jodi said. I'm going to have to figure out something like that that will work for us. X is still in his crib and I don't want to take him out until he's climbing out! He's also still night nursing although I'm so over that and really want to give it up but haven't figured out how that won't involved hours of screaming. It sounds like X and Josie have the same type of cry.
Jodi's advice was much better than my own. I was just going to suggest that we send Josie, Shep and Xander to a sleep away sleep training camp. (this assumes that Shep is still sleeping like he was, or wasn't sleeping)
Roman assures me that he'll sleep by the time he's 18. Sometimes I doubt.
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