sippy cups and silk

Remember the scripture in the Bible where Jesus tells us we can't serve both God and money? Well the same goes for loving children and loving fancy vintage furniture. I know that's what Jesus really meant, right?

I've been on a whirlwind vintage kick lately and in the midst of finding some amazing deals on gorgeous unique things, I've sold much of our old furniture which always seemed too big for this city dwelling. Finally, after living here for five years, it's starting to feel like the furnishings suit the house and fit within the nooks and crannies.

In the midst of my thrifting, I stumbled upon this GORGEOUS mid century olive green tufted sofa with wood detailing. My heart was all aflutter. I go nuts over nearly anything tufted! So I swiped it up even though the realist in the back of my mind said, "Don't get too attached. Silk and sippy cups cannot coexist." Or something like that. But the price was right, the style was insane, and so I promised myself I would hold it lightly.

Within the first couple of days, there was an oily residue left on one of the cushions by somebody's little grubby fingers and I contemplated selling the sofa before it got ruined. But then, I reminded myself that I paid next to nothing for it and if it got ruined, it wouldn't be a huge loss, as long as my heart was not attached.

Shortly after, I bought two cans of scotch guard and doused the thing from head to toe. I tested the stain resistance with some water and it beaded up and rolled off and my mind was at ease that maybe sippy cups and silk CAN coexist. Folly? You may be right.

This morning I should have known better than to be productive first thing out of bed because, as I was downstairs putting in a load of laundry, I heard cries from upstairs that Josie had thrown up...On. The. Couch. And it wasn't just regular old throw up, it was a belly full of grape juice. It might as well have been sulfuric acid, or blood, or a flaming kebob of oily cheese. By the time I was able to get to it, it was still beading up, but had soaked in enough to leave a very noticeable stain. I cleaned and blotted and wiped for a half hour or so, fighting off frustration and irritation. But all in all, I'm not that upset. Surprisingly. I love my kids more than I love fancy vintage furniture, and I don't even mind if God wants to keep checking me on this one. I say, if I ever get close to loving stuff more than people, I'll be looking for a boatload of grape juice vomit to come my way.

Matthew 6:24
“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

the baby whisperer I am not

I've always struggled to sleep train our kids, though, I feel like I sort of figured out what works in a decent amount of time with the first two kids. Both of them seemed to get their major issues settled by about 14 months and were in their own beds, sleeping through the night and not really getting up or making too much fuss at bedtime or during the night. Back then, I felt like I wasn't a very good mom that it took me so long to get it sorted out when many moms I talked to had their babies sleeping all night by six weeks! But now my perspective has changed and I think I was doing pretty well! Josie has really given me a run for my money and just when I think this sort of thing should be old hat, she has me scrambling for sanity!

We've had various issues with Josie that have made it hard to follow the "rules." She's been smaller in stature all along and, in the first year, I felt I should feed her whenever she was interested. Early on, she just slept for longer periods if she was near me and I couldn't bear to be sleep deprived when trying to keep up with all three kids during the day. So we were in survival mode for awhile. It worked just fine.

But then I hit the threshold after about 16 months where I was ready to have our own room back and felt it was time for her to fly the coop. At that point, she was in her crib for all her naps and a good portion of the night so we moved her crib into Ella's room and started the transition. But she didn't like those plans. She cried and carried on and it wasn't the kind of "crying it out" we were able to do with the other two at this point in their lives. Her crying was sustained, desperate and unrelenting and was very stressful on Ella which felt unfair. So for awhile, everyone got shuffled around in the short term so that Josie could work out her self-soothing and sleep issues. But then that got EVERYONE out of routine and added more chaos than resolution.

During that time, she began climbing out of the crib in desperation. Like I said, her version of "crying it out" really didn't work. So we gave up on that and went back to rocking her to sleep which often took long periods of time. Then we hit that time period with the arthritis where her whole demeanor was off and she was a much crankier version of herself. She also slept horribly in general and was up several times a night again.

After her second birthday, we took the crib down and transitioned her to the bed. That was ok, though a big commitment as we never felt we had achieved sleep training with her like we did the other two by this time...certainly before we ever moved them to a bed. She doesn't seem to realize there are rules about staying put at bedtime. She still needs quite a bit of soothing to fall asleep although rocking has gotten pretty tiring. We're back into a stage where she takes about an hour to settle down at night.

It's a strange thing to behold now, watching her try to fall asleep. I will rock her for a few minutes to give her the message it's time to quiet down and then I lay her down on her pillow. She hates being covered up but she likes to snuggle so I put her blanket beside her. Sometimes I'll lay on the floor next to the bed just to give her the comfort of knowing I'm there but that I'm not going to hold her. I really want her to learn to soothe herself. But it's so tiring to watch her for the next hour. She flips, then she flops. She turns horizontally, then sits up. She grabs her blanket and tries to thoroughly cover herself. Once covered, she kicks frantically to get uncovered. Then she snuggles the blanket. Then she pulls at her pant legs. She finds a different pillow and moves it in order to lay on it. Then she flips and flops again and it starts all over. She kicks her legs and I wonder if she is actually trying to keep herself awake or if she is just restless and doesn't know how to settle down! It's maddening for me, I don't know how it isn't for her!

Sometimes I get so frustrated, I have to leave the room. I think, "I'm just going to have to be firm and keep directing her back to bed." But I've tried that several times and she will literally get out of bed 50 times one after the other. I'm at my wits end!

But.....there is good news. Once she finally falls asleep, she sleeps all night now. Sometimes till 7:30. That is a very big victory.

Are there any other moms out there with these issues??

the back story

January 12 was Josie's big birthday. And that's what I really want to post about. But there's a lot of behind the scenes information that you need to know. It was full of happy moments, and also, not-your-normal kind-of-birthday moments. I haven't posted anything about some of the health stuff that's been going on with Josie over the last several months because, I guess I just didn't feel up to rehashing all the details. It's a long story and frankly, I'm at a time right now where I just don't like sitting in this computer chair for very long! So, as a back story before we get to the birthday fun, I'll fill you in on the details of what we've been dealing with.

But to start, here's a fun picture of Josie just before her birthday. The angel hair is in full fluff mode!

It's hard to get a crisp image of this little mover and shaker!

Sometime around mid August, I noticed some swelling around Josie's left ankle. She didn't act like it hurt, she walked normally and so I thought I must have missed her twisting it or something. But three weeks later, the swelling persisted. Over the next several months, we went through multiple pediatrician appointments, several rounds of xrays, and a trip to a pediatric orthopedist who ordered further xrays and an ultrasound. No one seemed too alarmed, though a bit puzzled and we left the ortho with no real answers and plans for an MRI in order to see more detail around the ankle. This was the week just after Thanksgiving.

Two days later, Josie woke up in the night with pain, further swelling in the ankle and a mild fever. She couldn't get comfortable to sleep and was unable to stand or walk. It was a quick and alarming turn. Honestly, seeing her try to stand only to crumple to the floor was a heartbreaking scene.

The following day was spent in the ER doing more xrays, bloodwork and she had to fast from all liquid and food in case they ordered the MRI. It was a sad and difficult day for her, and for us, but I was hopeful that at least by the end of the day, we'd have an answer to what was causing the trouble.

But that didn't exactly happen. They ruled out all the really scary things like cancer, lupus and a "septic joint" and said that they suspected arthritis (this was one of our earliest questions we'd had since Bryan's youngest brother had juvenile rheumetoid arthritis. Doctors kept dismissing that idea since it's somewhat rare to see it in kids this young as well as without any other symptoms.)

We've met with arthritis specialists and the Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis diagnosis is nearly certain with them, though I haven't quite "embraced" it yet...I am interested in investigating any dietary sensitivities that might cause arthritis symptoms and meet with a homeopathic practice in a couple of weeks...more info to come later, I'm sure.

So.....anyhow....all the backstory to say that, on her birthday, Josie was scheduled to receive a cortisone (steroid) shot in her ankle to decrease the swelling so that we could relieve any pain for her and also get her off medication. The doctors said that half of their patients who are only affected in one joint will receive this shot and never have any further issues. So that's what we are praying for!

The people at Children's Hospital are so great and had birthday balloons for Josie as well as two wrapped gifts and birthday cake. It was really helpful because she played with the toys non stop until it was time for the laughing gas. They gave her a baby doll and a tea set. I loved watching her feed her little baby with a spoon!

She never shed a tear the whole time, even with the anesthetic mask on and doctors in her face. She was incredible. It's been three days since the shot and her swelling is probably about 80% gone. I'm praying for a total recovery...

...now that you're informed, feel free to jump to the next post for all the happy birthday fun!!

wedding blues

This weekend, our dear Michael and Amie got married! For those unfamiliar with these two wonderful people whom we dearly love and majorly adore, Michael is Bryan's youngest brother. Amie has been a friend of our family for years but in the last couple of years, has become one of my closest friends and, before she moved down to Atlanta to be with her now husband, was a weekly babysitter of our kids. Needless to say, she was already family to us, before she and Mike even decided to date. So, we've been counting down the days till their wedding, first and foremost just so we could SEE them again (Atlanta feels so far away sometimes!) but also because it's a really exciting occasion to celebrate their marriage!

Ella is somewhat of a romantic at her ripe age of six and a half. So she LOOOOVES weddings. And Bryan had taken Simon shopping this week to pick out some fancy clothes to wear. He was so excited about his new dress pants, shirt, vest and tie and had been asking me all week if he could wear it. I kept saying, "Wait till the wedding on Saturday! Then you can wear it!!"

Wednesday, the coughing began. Thursday, the runny nose took off. Overnight on Thursday, raging fever ensued. And Friday, I began to get a little panicky that the kids and I were going to have to sit this one out and miss the wedding we've so anticipated.

Friday night was the rehearsal and Bryan and I tag teamed it so he could do the officiating and I could see family and friends for a bit. But Saturday was still up in the air. I monitored the kids closely all day Saturday and the virus seemed to progress. Ella barely got off the couch all day which you KNOW is a bad sign. It was a guarantee that the kids wouldn't be well enough to attend, and with most of our friends and all of our St. Louis family attending the wedding, all hope seemed lost that I would be able to attend as well.

But then, HOPE! I have a wonderful friend named Sarah who I met at the kids' preschool (I'm sure there will be posts to come about their family as our kids love playing together and we so enjoy Sarah and her husband Kyle) whose kids had the same virus the week before. I texted her questions wondering how high and how long their fevers persisted. In the midst of our texting, she offered to come stay with the kids so I could go to the wedding.

Elation! But major GUILT in having to leave the kids behind. Ella was teary and bleary eyed and didn't seem to understand WHY she couldn't just go for a little bit. She had her heart set on seeing them and especially dancing with them. And in all the rush to get ready, Simon didn't seem to get all the information that he wasn't going to be able to go either. (His fever was equally as high as Ella's but he was still bouncing off the wall all day.) As I got my heels on to walk out the door I heard him calling out from upstairs, "MOOOOMMM! MOM!!! I need  you!" Which is usually code for, "I'm on the toilet and could you please come wipe me." But this time, I reached the second floor to find him in his room trying to put on his new clothes. He said, "Mom, I need you to help me with my tie!" My heart shattered. Totally destroyed. "Oh Simo. You're sick buddy and you're not going to be able to go." Oh the horror. The guilt. The tears.

After the ceremony, which was so lovely, moving, beautiful, joyous, etc, I came right home. There was a reception a few hours later which Sarah offered to come back to watch the kids for. But after visiting with the kids, especially Ella, I didn't think I could bear the guilt of leaving them behind. Ella asked me lots of questions about Michael and Amie's plans and if she'd get to see them soon. I told her they'd be going on their honeymoon really early the next morning and they would fly home to Atlanta after that. She began to tear up again and said, "I don't want them to go on their honeymoon, Mom. I miss them so much!" 

But again, HOPE! Bryan made a few phone calls and was able to reach Michael and, joy of joys, Michael and Amie were able to drop by our house on their way to the reception in order to give Simon and Ella a little squeeze. I can't express how special this short 20 minute stop off was to us all, especially Ella. It seemed to take the sting out.

Uncle Michael

Beautiful Aunt Amie and poor sickly Ella.

This made everything right in the world.

 

So now, it's the day after the wedding and the kids are beginning to mend. Fevers are down to low grade and the coughing has let up a bit. And so I'll close this post with some comic relief. Do you notice the severe chapping of Ella's nose in the middle photo? That poor girl chaps like nobody's business when she gets a cold. Her hands go crazy dry and cracked in the wintertime too. For this reason, there is a huge tub of Eucerin in her room. Since she's been sick, she often globs a big mustache of Eucerin on her upper lip but it hasn't seemed to help all that much. So we switched to Aquafor which has soothed and healed a bit more effectively. After we read books and got tucked in bed, I set her up with a fresh box of tissues and her Aquafor within reach for nighttime use. She slathered her nose with it and said quite seriously, "Aquarfor rules. Eucerine drools." And then we both laughed for a solid three minutes. Ahhh....we needed that.

growing in your sleep

We often talk about how kids need rest so that their bodies can grow. Usually, it's an incentive we employ to encourage the kids to hurry up and get to their beds. It's an interesting fact that we like to use, and seriously, sometimes I think the kids look bigger after they've napped! We can always tell when Simon is going through a growth spurt because he'll ask to go to bed or decide to crawl under the covers during "rest time" after lunch instead of playing in his room. And when he sleeps, he sleeps for HOURS! Anyway...I digress.

So tonight, we got to bed a little later than normal. I'm in the middle of a serious baby proofing of Ella's room in order to move Josie's crib out of our room to begin a more serious approach at weaning. It's been tons of work to sort and organize all the little choking hazards that six year olds play with! I worked a big chunk of yesterday and today on the room and got most of it done, but it put us a little behind on our bedtime routine. I could tell Simon was very tired because he was slow to obey and out for some negative attention. As I wrapped things up in Ella's room, I could hear him downstairs with Bryan and Josie. Bryan warned him a couple of times that he was being too rough with his little sister. All of a sudden, I heard her cry out and begin wailing painfully. And I knew something had gone terribly wrong...I rushed down to comfort her and saw she had a bite mark on her big toe. He had really BIT HER! It was a deep indention, but fortunately he hadn't broken the skin. Ugh...

After receiving some serious discipline and a stern talking to, it was most definitely time for bed. (However, we made time for a puzzle and a quick book so that there was some POSITIVE attention in there as well!) As I laid next to Simon in his bunk, he was chattier than I expected. I thought for sure he would pass out as soon as he hit the pillow. And so I brought up my little sleep incentive...

Me: "Simon, if you don't get some sleep, your body can't grow!"
Simo: "I don't want to grow anymore."
Me: "Really? You want to stay this little forever?"
Simo: "Maybe God would make me stop growing so I could stay little."
Me: "Don't you want to get big and have your own kids and your own house someday and be big and grown up like Daddy?"
Simo: "Yeah."
Me: "And do you want to get married?"
Simo: "Yes. To Ella."

He really adores Ella. And I took the opportunity to remind him that Josie adores him that way. She looks up to him and laughs at everything he does. I encouraged him to be her protector and be kind to her and never hurt her on purpose. He looked so remorseful, I thought he might cry. He seemed to get it. And then he showered me with kisses and I showered him with kisses and then he rolled over and feel asleep.

My guess is he'll wake up an inch taller. :)

hang up and play

This is a small rant, just to warn you.

While we were in Kansas City on spring break, we visited a local park with a small playground. It was a beautiful day, the sun was bright and warm, and there were a few other kids enjoying the time outside as well. Specifically, there were two other boys there with their dads.

Pretty cool when dad's take their kids to the park, yes? I love that!

But what I noticed was not so impressive. Both dads were on their smart phones surfing the web or texting or whatever, THE ENTIRE TIME. I'm not exaggerating in the least...I mean, the ENTIRE time their kids played. Fortunately for the two boys, they found each other and began playing dinosaurs. At one point, boy #2 wanted to swing and called out for his dad to come push him. The dad's eyes didn't budge from his phone as he answered, "No son. You know how to do that by yourself. You go on ahead." He totally blew him off. A while later, the dad decided it was time to leave and called his son to go to the car. The son protested and said he wanted to stay at which point the dad got really irritated and told him to stop whining.

Now I hesitate to judge other people's parenting as there are many times I feel as if I have failed at the end of the day. But this is an issue that really, really bothers me. Sometimes I just HATE the hold that technology has over our lives. What a missed opportunity that dad had to connect with his son. He probably thought he was doing the little guy a big favor by letting him go to the park. But what I saw was total rejection.

I've mentioned how I'm trying to be better about not spending so much time on the computer, especially when the kids are up and around. There are already so many demands for our time as parents...can't we try a little harder to stop willingly giving our precious time and attention to our gadgets and gizmos? (I know it's hard to take me seriously when I use the word "gizmo.")

In all seriousness though, I challenge you to power down whenever possible. And I'll keep trying to do the same. Hopefully, we'll all end up actually talking to each other or enjoying some other ancient passtime.

daddy daughter date

For Christmas, Bryan and I gifted each other books we thought the other would benefit from. I gave him a book on raising daughters which I thought would be helpful for both of us to read. It has had an impact for sure and reiterated to him the importance of quality time with his growing girls. Bryan used to regularly take Ella out on "dates" but the practice has gotten lost in the last couple of years for various reasons. As a sort of new years resolution, the hope is to get a daughter date in once a month.

When Bryan asked Ella if she'd like to go on a date earlier this week, the look on her face was priceless. She beamed! She was so excited, it was all she could talk about. When she woke up the morning of her date, she said, "I can't wait till tonight!" and she told all her friends at school that her dad was taking her on a date. When Bryan picked her up from school, she told many of the moms retrieving their kids the she was headed for her daddy date.

I helped her pick out a pretty dress and shoes and curled her hair and even let her wear some shimmery eye shadow and lip stick. She felt beautiful. As Bryan got ready, Ella requested that he get dressed up and "not wear jeans." She's an old fashioned girl, I suppose. So he got spiffy for her.

They left for the Chocolate Bar and Simon, Josie and I had pizza and played the Wii (which is a preferable date for Simon!) Ella ordered pizza at the restaurant and shared a beautiful chocolate dessert with her daddy. She ate quite a lot and he helped her with her manners, like eating slowly and putting her napkin in her lap. After she was quite full and let out a louder-than-she-expected burp, a look of embarrassment crossed her face and she leaned in to Bryan. "Pretend that was you, Dad, if anybody asks!!!"

On the way home, pondering the loveliness of her date night, she told Bryan, "Dad, I think it might be kind of weird if I married you."

Seeing her come alive with special Daddy time amazes me. What a high calling it is to be a parent and to have so much power to build up or tear down. I hope these times with Daddy will increase her confidence and desire to stay true to the lady she was created to be and that, through being pursued and honored, she will learn what it is to be treated rightly by the opposite sex. I love seeing her with her Daddy. She just adores him. In fact, last night at bedtime, we were all cuddled up reading books in her room and she was next to him. She told him with a smile, "Our date night never ends, Dad." He'll always be her number one fan.

not so golden slumbers

Arrrghh! Josie is so darn bent on MOVING ALL THE TIME she will not calm down and just sleep. What used to be easy...she acted tired and fell right to sleep, has become a fight. Now, she buries her face in my arm and rubs her eyes and then her little head pops up again. And I can no longer leave her in her crib to fall asleep because she stands up and then doesn't know how to get down safely. Or she finds a way to hang a limb through the slats and gets mad. I'm ready for her to settle down a little bit now, thank you very much.

it's just us...finding a happy medium

Well, we're doing our best to get used to a new rhythm of life now that Ella is in school full time. I must admit, it is a harder adjustment than I thought it would be. Things have just felt a little uncomfortable, like the ins and outs of our days just don't fit right. We miss her (I know I do) but it is still a sweet time with the younger two.

Yup. It's just us...

We've been trying to figure out a new rhythm for Simon as well since things have changed so much around here. Ella's day is so long, we're getting her to bed a bit earlier than what we've been used to, and with Simon still taking naps, (sometimes he can sleep three or four hours if we let him!) he just isn't ready to fall asleep when Ella is. For simplicity's sake, we'd like our kids to go to bed at the same time! In hopes of achieving this, for the last three weeks, we've ditched Simon's nap to make sure he's as tired as the one who is in school all day long. He loves getting to skip rest time and have "quiet time in his room" playing with toys, but we've noticed a real change in his temperament and we've faced many more discipline issues and emotional tantrums than we're used to with him. We've discovered, there really is no happy medium. We tried it, and it failed. After weighing the pros and cons, I re-instituted nap time, explaining to Simon that he's growing so much, his body needs rest. (Seriously! I think it's true!) He was slightly bummed, but here he is moments after I left his room today:

Think he might still require a nap? I had to wake him up over two hours later to go pick Ella up from school. I'm happy to report, we had zero tantrums today and he's back to his old congenial polite self. Long live the naps!

kindergarten

It's official...Ella is a big kindergartner! Yay/boo hoo. All summer, the idea of her being away all day (9-4pm) has lurked in the back of my mind and I've reminded myself to make the most of our moments together. (Not always great at that...I must confess.) I never considered myself the type of mom who would cry when their child went off to school. Frankly, I just felt excited for her because that's the angle she's been taking. I mean, check her out!

She's got the uniform, all her pencils neatly sharpened and in a case, a brand new backpack full of all kinds of gear. And she's feeling full of anticipation about lots of playing and learning and general merriment. And new shoes!

And then, reality.

Do you see that look? That's the look of, "Where do I go? What happens next? Who will be my friend? Where's the safe spot to hang out?" Seriously. She's all composed in this picture, and in this picture:

but after I left the classroom, she melted in a flurry of tears. Her teacher told me she had to "fan her face." I totally didn't expect that one people. I thought she might be nervous and a little apprehensive, but not weeping.

So, she got through the first day with a couple of teary moments. That was good. Then at bedtime, she tells me she doesn't want to go back to school and she cries. Really cries. And my heart breaks. Because I can totally remember the feeling of anxiety she's feeling at undertaking such a big change with lots of unknowns and newness. And I want to rescue her, but there's nothing I can really do to keep her from growing up.

Day two was much worse. I promised to walk her to class again, but that I wouldn't stay because there weren't any other parents taking their children. When she was seated at her desk and the tears began to flow, her teacher, Mrs. Morton, whispered to me to "Just go." I whispered to Ella some words of love and encouragement and then headed for the door. It felt so strange to leave her crying. I haven't ever done that before. It felt so horrible to climb the steps outside her classroom and hear her call out, "MOOOMMMM!!" as she saw me leaving. I felt rather hollow and haunted by that. But I kept it together.

Day three, was the day I finally shed some tears. We had lots of conversations since school had started where I assured her that it would get easier and even fun the more she got used to it. I promised a special surprise if she could make it the whole day without crying. That seemed to intrigue her. But then when I took her to the playground where all the classes line up in the morning to proceed to class, it overwhelmed her again. (This change is significant since her class last year was only seven kids and this year it's twenty. Plus, the recess time is multiple classes together, all the way up to fifth grade.) I could see her lip start to quiver and her eyes well up. She was trying SO HARD to keep it under wraps, but it just refused to be squelched. I hugged her and she said, "Can I still get my surprise?"

That morning, I came home and cried. She is such a sensitive girl and I want to do right by her. I just hated to see her hurting and overwhelmed. Turns out, she has actually been missing me more than struggling to adapt to the social change. She told me that she wished her teacher was, "more like mom." To quote more accurately, she said, "I wish she was like Mom and we could hang out in the kitchen. If she was like Mom, I wouldn't miss you so much. But she doesn't have a kitchen at school!" And then she broke down. I'm so moved by how she communicates her feelings.

Anyway, to wrap this whole experience up, today was Monday, day one of week two. We got up early and played before school. After finishing up breakfast, we were getting her backpack together to leave. She looked at me as if something had dawned on her. Then she said, "You know what, Mom? I don't think I'm going to cry today!" And she didn't. Something just clicked.

It's all downhill from here. Phew.

post script: the sickies

In my excitement about all my thrifty treasures, I forgot to mention that all three kids were sick during our trip to Edina. Ella started out with the sickness...a minor cold. Then Josie chimed in with congestion and runny nose that got worse as the days passed. The last night we were there, I only slept about three hours off and on because she couldn't breathe unless she was upright. That was tough. But Simon was the worst off. On the second day there, he got a fever. Then he woke up puking. By the end of the day, he was complaining of ear pain that was so severe, I could barely console him. We got him all dosed up with Motrin for the remainder of the trip, but after taking him to the clinic back in St. Louis when we rolled back into town, we found out he had a pretty nasty ear infection. He's on ten days of the pink stuff now.

Why do my kids seem to always get sick when we take trips? I hope they've gotten it out of the way before we leave for Atlanta!

sometimes i don't have what it takes

In the post before, I mentioned how Bryan had been on a trip to Brighton. When he travels, I do what I can to enjoy myself and do things I wouldn't normally do when he's home (like eat popcorn and apples for dinner and watch Gone with the Wind after the kids are in bed). But in a general sense, the time he's away is really challenging. In the last few weeks, I've noticed the kids behavior has been "off". It just seems like we've struggled with things that aren't normally difficult. For Simon, there's been more whining, more fit throwing, and other strange things that aren't normal for him, like biting his sister on the cheek! For Ella, it's been more attitude trouble. She's been pushing the boundaries and doing things she knows aren't allowed. She's been pouting when she doesn't get something she wants right when she asks for it. There has been badgering where I'll tell her "no" and she'll make the same request five minutes later. It has been rather exhausting around here and I have felt really ill equipped on a new level. Several nights, I've laid in bed thinking and praying about how to connect with the kids (mainly Ella) and how to guide them without barking at them or crushing their spirits. I've beat myself up about the moments that I've failed and been reactionary or frustrated and wasted the day being stressed out. I lament at my lack of wisdom in guiding them sometimes.

This week, Bryan is home and it really has helped, if even to give me a few minutes to breathe and get refreshed to approach my kids with a smile. It's brought back the balance around here and it's helped to talk some of this stuff out with him and readjust our philosophy on a few things in order to help the kids through this bump in the road.

Today, Ella made me a card and it was so timely and kind, it was just what I needed to receive from her. I actually had to compose myself to keep from crying it was so darned sweet.

to Mom | *love* ellA

to MOM I LOVe You to MUCH MOM  We HAVe SO MUCH FUN AND I LOVE YOu JUSt HOW YOu ARe

Sometimes being a Mom is so humbling. It's a good thing.

letting go

I find the lesson of letting go a difficult one. Really hard. In the whole Meyers Briggs personality test thingy, I'm an ISFJ, or a "Protector/Supporter." I am constantly fighting the urge to protect my kids to a fault. I think I do a decent job of encouraging them in their strengths, supporting and correcting them in their weaknesses and teaching them about serving and engaging others. (I said decent, not perfect!) But when there is a situation where another kid treats them with contempt, ignores or teases them, something grabs a hold of my heart and squeezes with all it's might. And my inner dialogue goes wild...."where do I step in and protect? Is this just part of growing up? Have I made my kids so soft they're going to get ripped apart in the 'real world?'"

I know this is all part of being a mom. I know this is a tension I will deal with till they have kids of their own. They WILL get their feelings hurt. They WILL be rejected. Life can be so cruel, but darnit, if my own heart isn't cruel in being so desperately in love with them! God help me not to break when their hearts get broken...help me to let go. And entrust them to You.

cold feet

Ella is due to begin preschool in a few short weeks. As I posted earlier in the year, the school we were hoping for requires a lottery because the demand is high and the slots are few. She didn't get picked in the lottery for that school, so we ended up choosing another public school close by that has a very part time magnet program (1 hour per week). As much as I have felt she will do well in a school setting, I have found myself hesitant about the amount of time for such an early school experience. The school day is long, from 9:10-4:10 which would mean Ella wouldn't arrive home until nearly 4:30. Some questions I've been grappling with are:

1. If this season of my life is centered around staying home to look after my children, would Ella be better served in being home with me while she is still able?

2. Would she grow more intellectually and emotionally being at home with Mommy, brother and a new sibling on the way rather than in a classroom 35+ hours a week that may only be a glorified play group?

3. With Ella being so ready to read, would she be taught at the preschool level, or would she be more likely to begin reading if I began some structured phonics and reading study with her at home?

4. Would it be ultimately better for our family unit if she was a part of the daily routine and adjustment of welcoming a new sibling? (I am confident she will be a huge help in playing with Simon while I am in the midst of newborn care.)

5. Is there any need to rush her off to school or is waiting for kindergarten (after just turning 6) waiting too long and ultimately detrimental to her social development?

As you can see, this is not an easy decision for me and most of all, I want to do what is best for her emotionally, intellectually and socially. I am searching for where the peace of mind lies and am in the midst of prayer about this. It's something I will need to decide on very soon! If you have any wisdom to share, please do! I'm open for insight from other Moms!

my boy shines

Oh, where to begin? Today was Day 1 of Bryan's 8-day trip to the UK. These trips are ones that I tend to manage well by staying busy with friends or projects around the house, taking it day by day without counting down the days lest the time pass too slowly. But saying goodbye to my husband today was the saddest it's ever been before. And I've been one breath away from a teary breakdown all day. It probably has something to do with the way the evening panned out, and thus begins the blog entry for today.

A couple of days ago, Simon woke up with a seal-like, barking cough. Nothing nagging or persistent, just a bark here and there and I thought, "Oh great. Another one of his croupy spells might develop out of this seemingly harmless cough." Seems that whenever Simon gets a cold of any kind, it develops into a horrible chest congestion immediately and I spend a couple of restless nights with the baby monitor turned up too high or rousing myself from bed to jack up the hot water in the shower, creating a sauna for his poor little lungs to gain relief. Most often, I use the steamy shower trick or brisk outdoor air exposure at 2 a.m. or whatever gets us through. And then he's better in a couple of days and is no worse for the wear. But today struck me a little different. We went for a short walk to get out into the mild weather and hadn't gone far when I noticed Simon's breathing was extremely loud and labored. He was definitely wheezing like an asthmatic. But he never seemed uncomfortable or upset and he didn't want me to carry him. We stopped by a friends house and had a little rest and I thought his breathing would calm down if we stopped moving for a while. But it didn't seem to change much and I finally called our doctor.

Calling the doctor is annoying to me because it usually ends up being a case where the think they need to see him and then they offer to prescribe an antibiotic or whatever, but it's almost always just a virus that needs to run it's course. So I don't know exactly what I was looking for when I called at 3:30 in the afternoon. When the nurse heard the sound of my son barking from across the room, she said she wanted me to bring him in. Knowing I couldn't make it out to that part of town before closing time in the middle of traffic, I made an appointment for the next morning but she advised me that if he got any worse throughout the night, I should take him to the ER! Wanting to avoid that option at any cost, (a trip to the ER costs us $200!!) I decided to take him into the clinic at Walgreens. They listened to his lungs and said that he was too congested for them to treat so they sent us down to the closest urgent care clinic. Simon saw the doc there and was diagnosed some antibiotics for bronchitis and a steroid for inflammation in his lungs. The doc also suggested that the reccurence of this "croup" could be caused by an environmental factor in our home like mold or furnace filters not being regularly changed. (As a side note, the very thought of this possibility sent every OCD tendency in me ablaze and had me talking myself down from the ledge...but enough about me.)

Of course, the trauma didn't end there as we still had to make a trip to ANOTHER Walgreens to pick up the prescriptions that the doctor said he faxed over ahead of us which, not surprisingly, they had no record of and didn't even have Simon in their computer. So, we burned another half hour while they filled the scripts and then headed back to the store to buy a warm mist humidifier and such. By the time we got home, it was bedtime...all my plans to have a fun, relaxed evening with my kids, watching a movie and eating popcorn happily together were awash in medical, viral, stressful drama. After a hot shower sauna in our bathroom, the kids are all tucked cozily in their beds, sleeping soundly and I can't help but ask God, "Why does all this happen the moment my husband boards a plane flying across an ocean? What is it I need to learn here?" Well, my first answer is a pragmatic one...there is indeed mold growing in a dark corner of our basement. And I did learn how to change the filter in our furnace. The more spiritual answer, I'm sure, will come at a later date when I'm not so easily moved to a crying jag.

BUT...the real reason I meant to enter this post is to brag on my son. The whole time, from the Walgreens walk in clinic to the Urgent Care, to the drive thru dinner to the multiple stops at Walgreens, to the shower sauna...he was a perfect gem. He seemed thrilled to be on his own. It was time spent, just the two of us...I don't know if that has EVER happened before. He seemed so grown up and proud of himself. He followed every direction the doctor or nurse gave and seemed eager to please. And everyone was charmed by his sweet nature. This kid has stolen my heart. One thing I have taken away from this day is that my boy deserves some time just for him, so that he can shine. And shine he does.

the key to her heart

Ella is four now. And she's all about communication. And emotion. Sometimes, the emotion cancels out the communication or skews the communication in such a way that I completely misunderstand my little girl and what motivates her. There have been points in the last several weeks where I've stopped short in the midst of an exchange with her feeling completely at a loss, thinking, "I seriously have no clue where to go from here." So over the last few days, I have been chewing on this thought: What is the key to opening Ella's heart? In the midst of anger or hurt, how do I get through to her? What breaks down the wall? I know what the key ISN'T...that's an easy one. What doesn't work is hugs or kisses. Sometimes she's just not in the mood for that. I know it's not spankings or stern words. That works for a second, but it doesn't really stick and we're back in the same predicament within ten minutes. What I am discovering about my dear Ella is that she is a quality time, connecting kind of person. When I spend lots of time engaged in her sweet games, reading books together, giggling and telling silly stories, she thrives. So with Ella, I'm thinking that its not about getting the key out once the lock is locked, it's about keeping the lock from closing. I'm doing my best dear one. Don't give up on me!